Losing control...

I was reading a devotional last night and it took me back to my youth. Oh what a lost little girl I was. The topic was about trading beauty for wisdom as we grow old gracefully. I never considered myself beautiful. I was so the control freak, the skinny one, the not so smart one, the look at anybody but me one. I used to hang out with the pretty girls and wished that I had their lives. I had no idea why the boys liked me. I had low self esteem and no idea what my self worth was. I certainly did not know what people saw in me. Accepting a compliment was like taking something that I didn't deserve.

In my teens, I was quiet and shy. In my twenties, I was lost with no voice and searching for something, someone. Who? I truly had no idea. I think it was my birth father. At least that sounded good at the time. I trusted and depended on no one. In my thirties, I was a master at people pleasing and did not know it. I had no real goals, dreams or passion for life.

It wasn't until my forties that I started to breathe a little easier, say no every now and again. Not too loudly and not in a way that would draw attention to myself. I smiled, laughed a little louder and started to sing and dance a little, but still in control. Of what, I still didn't know. I just know that in my mind, I held on tight. Whatever I was holding onto felt so much better than surrendering.

My epiphany moment came one early sunny morning in May of 2005, when I was in my family room. Sitting in one of my favorite chairs, Jesus Christ appeared and gently tapped me on the shoulder. We talked briefly and intimately. I invited Him into my life and without realizing that He would take complete and total control; I surrendered myself to Him. As the days and months went on, I started to realize that He didn't need my help. I could relax, release and repent and be loved unconditonally. Boy did the tears come gushing out. It was truly the u-g-l-y cry.

I gave Him all the stuff that I was carrying around from my teens to my forties. Now, at 46, I want this life; my life! I can honestly say that losing control has never felt so good and I don't know about you, but I'll take wisdom over beauty any day of the week.