Friday, November 5, 2010

Losing control...

I was reading a devotional last night and it took me back to my youth. Oh what a lost little girl I was. The topic was about trading beauty for wisdom as we grow old gracefully. I never considered myself beautiful. I was so the control freak, the skinny one, the not so smart one, the look at anybody but me one. I used to hang out with the pretty girls and wished that I had their lives. I had no idea why the boys liked me. I had low self esteem and no idea what my self worth was. I certainly did not know what people saw in me. Accepting a compliment was like taking something that I didn't deserve.

In my teens, I was quiet and shy. In my twenties, I was lost with no voice and searching for something, someone. Who? I truly had no idea. I think it was my birth father. At least that sounded good at the time. I trusted and depended on no one. In my thirties, I was a master at people pleasing and did not know it. I had no real goals, dreams or passion for life.

It wasn't until my forties that I started to breathe a little easier, say no every now and again. Not too loudly and not in a way that would draw attention to myself. I smiled, laughed a little louder and started to sing and dance a little, but still in control. Of what, I still didn't know. I just know that in my mind, I held on tight. Whatever I was holding onto felt so much better than surrendering.

My epiphany moment came one early sunny morning in May of 2005, when I was in my family room. Sitting in one of my favorite chairs, Jesus Christ appeared and gently tapped me on the shoulder. We talked briefly and intimately. I invited Him into my life and without realizing that He would take complete and total control; I surrendered myself to Him. As the days and months went on, I started to realize that He didn't need my help. I could relax, release and repent and be loved unconditonally. Boy did the tears come gushing out. It was truly the u-g-l-y cry.

I gave Him all the stuff that I was carrying around from my teens to my forties. Now, at 46, I want this life; my life! I can honestly say that losing control has never felt so good and I don't know about you, but I'll take wisdom over beauty any day of the week.


Toia said...

Amen to that!!! I vote for wisdom!! I pray all is well. Blessings to you!!!

A Lady's Life said...

My Mom always said better to stay quiet and be a fool than to open your mouth and let every one else know you are one lol
She always said a full sunflower head is bent where as an empty one flies high in the wind.So I also was shy and looked and listened more because I thought people knew a lot more than I did. I took this time to also learn by reading and developing myself till one day I was listening ... and my eyes opened wide at the foolishness people were talking about.
The day came when I finally had something to say worth saying and I'd say I earned my right to say it now.Now when young people talk and are rude, I look back and think, this is what I would have looked like, had I spoken in those days.
So My Mom was right.
I am glad I waited before opening my mouth because now I don't care if I sound foolish to other people.
I learned from life what I had to and other people will learn too or maybe end up dying.
And this makes me feel GOOOOOOOD! :)
It's better to walk slow and keep your ears and eyes wide open.

Don said...


It was interesting reading your words and understanding the framework of your plight, spiritually, then being inspired by the manner in which you accepted Jesus Christ into your heart.

I co-sign the fact that someone is writing through your shining spirit.

No ifs, ands or buts about it.

A Free Spirit Butterfly said...

Happy Saturday all.
It's a beautiful sunny day here in Waldorf. I just finished my Bible study and am now having a cup of tea.

Thank you for visiting with me and reading a little bit more about who I am and how I came to be ;-)

Ms. Lady, the only thing my mom said while growing up was not to keep up with the Jones' (whoever they were... lol)

I like you submerged myself into books, lots of them. Then one day I happened upon a thought that I was pretty smart after all!

Don - thank you for stoping by and agreeing. "She" has chosen to use me as her vessel and I am open to following her journey w/great anticipation ;-)

Ms. Toia, I have no complaints. Jesus loves me and I have 20 5-year old best friends at Mt. Hope ;-)

On Friday, they begged me to hang around for P.E. and it was indeed a joy. I truly became teary eyed when it was time to leave. Who knew that volunteering would be such an incredible journey.

Love and peace for an awesome day in the Lord!

Submit and be at peace with Him.