Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Choosing to share...

I recently shared with a male friend of mine that I was celibate. I knew he liked me and I was trying to find a way to work it into the conversation. And just like that...he said something that gave me opportunity I had hoped for. After he got over the initial shock, he said, "So you can't have a boyfriend, you’ve got to go straight to marriage?" I said, "Yes, I can have a boyfriend, I just can't go straight to bed." He then asked, "What if you never get married again?" I said, "God and I have already talked about it and He assured me that I will. He hasn't lied to me yet and I doubt that He ever will."

I have had a boy or a man in my life, most of my life. What I didn't have during those years was an intimate relationship with God. I am certain that had I put Him first, a lot of those "relationships" would have never made it past first base.

I am choosing to share this story because as I was doing my bible study the other night, I happened upon two devotionals that deeply spoke to my spirit:

* Do the laws of the Old Testament still apply today?
~ After receiving salvation, I was still doing what I wanted and so trying to justify it in my mind. Once the Holy Spirit got hold of my heart, it turned toward God and away from my fleshly wants. Believe me when I tell you, there was a tug of war going on inside me.

* "There is no better measure of a person than what he does when he is absolutely free to choose." - Wilma Askinas
~ I have chosen to save myself for my wedding night and I have NEVER felt so cleansed and so free. Absolutely cannot put a price on it!

After my marriage ended, I thought I was ready to "date." I was not. I made a similar mistake and it left me feeling disappointed in myself, yet again. After deciding to walk away from men and to walk into a deeper relationship with self, the following was revealed:

I am worthy
I am a treasure to behold
I am a daughter of the Most High God
My body is His temple
When you are in bed with a man, God sees that too.
I gave away enough of myself in the past
With each departure, he took a piece of my soul
I hold the power to say, "No."
I will trust that He knows best
He is preparing someone for me
He will greatly reward my faithfulness
He created me for love and to love

As I've shared myself with friends and family, they are amazed at my openness. I have to say again that this life is not about me. He saved me so that I can save another girl/woman and that she will in turn save another.

A woman's worth is more valuable than she thinks. Had "someone" told me that, I could have "shared" that with my daughter years ago. She is an adult now. She truly admires me and with that admiration, I want her to see that I'm not just talking the talk...I'm also walking the walk. She has shared so many of my same mistakes and I only pray that this choice of mine will inspire her to choose the same vow.

sent w/love


Myriam said...

Ms. China
Your openness is gold and it spoke volume about God's grace.
Like you, I wish I have avoided bad relationships that now make me sick. After becoming a Christian and surrendering it and accepting His forgiveness- there was a renewed sense of 'virginity' if you will that could have only been restored by God.

I trust that He will fulfill His desires towards you.


Moanerplicity said...

There are so many things I was moved to address while reading this... & now after pressing the comment option, I am let almost speechless.

Like most peole, I'd like to think that I'm pretty open-minded, spiritually aware, strong in faith & all those good & necessary things that go into the paint of becoming a decent human being.

That said, reading these words left me questioning some of my own personal choices, past decisions that I THOUGHT were best & even the ways I conduct myself on the daily tip. Maybe this is a good thing & perhaps one of the reasons for you penning this entry & revealing your truth.

In the end I just admire you very, VERY much, China.

& oh... this one quote is so naked that it is bound to leave me pondering for quite a while:

"There is no better measure of a person than what he does when he is absolutely free to choose."



A Free Spirit Butterfly said...

Sweet sister, I can only say that it took one time for me to read Isaiah 6:8, and since then, HE has put the words to my heart and then directed me to pen them to paper, so to speak.

I simply cannot keep it inward. He has transformed me beyond anything I ever hoped for myself. I would liked to have said, "dream" but when you're in a lot of pain, to dream seems foreign.

My daughter is the reason I've publicly posted this. Surely not the one interested in dating me. Lol

I want her to see, feel, know and trust that her mom is committed to living out her truth. This is one "thing" I believe will convict her conscious if by chance some slick so and worries to break her spirit or demean her worth!

She knows that Satan is a liar, she just may have a difficult time sifting out from the seeing him as he so loves to disguise himself to get what he wants.

Love you dearly for being apart of my journey and openly cosigning in those areas where we've traveled the same paths.

With much love and a ginormous hug!

A Free Spirit Butterfly said...


Thank you. After Surpressing my voice for many, many years...I have to speak my heart and my truth. And, as I typed that, it takes me back to a memory of my step-dad.

He was leaning against the white dresser in our all pink covered girly bedroom. There were 5 girls and he'd just announced that he and my mom were getting a divorce. I literally froze and did not move or speak a sound. My world, as I knew it, collasped. After that day, I walked through life in a trance. Nothing mattered to me, not even self.

I had no nor did I give any opinion or thought to life. I was going along, to get along. And as I grew older and heard the word "love" I tended to stay in an uncomfotable space a little longer than I should have. So unaware that I was afraid that leaving would take me back to that broken place in my small pink bedroom where life ceased to exist.

Here's to love, peace and FULL blown conscious choices :-)


A Lady's Life said...

So true Butterfly. These are things my Momma taught me and you know it's not just for young people.
For the young, they have to enjoy being young, socialize to learn about people and to do this you do it without sex because sex teaches you the bad things about it not the good.
Then you marry and enjoy and love one another but the eyes are kept only for each other.
In the event one has to live alone again, its best to find good things to do and if you are blessed to meet someone who appreciates and respects you for who you are, then you marry and begin a new life and make memories with the new person.
It's hard to do though because guys are guys and spoiled today and women also don't respect other women. They see something good they try to destroy it.
It makes one sad because making a life with a person is forever.
It's accepting both the good and the bad, as each one grows and changes and it's never a 50 - 50
exchange either.

A Free Spirit Butterfly said...

I've learned the hard way and much later in life that this world is consumed with self gratification and not just in the bedroom. If he/she isn't happy, getting their needs met, or just plain bored...people give up and move onto something else and someone else.

I say, "grow up." this life is about loving someone completely and wholeheartedly. Flaws and all. I know it's easier said than done, but like I stated, "if our desires" were to become a blessed union and allow no one and nothing to separate that could we fail?

I truly don't see the longevity and staying power that couples used to have making a come back.

And the 50/ me, that's simply two wounded souls trying to connect in order to make a whole... So not going to work.

Personally, I've taken the much needed time, reflection and mending of self to enter as a whole...and with that being said, "I want the same in my mate."

Anonymous said... someone who is sharing this journey with you I can truly say I'm very proud of you...and most importantly God is proud of you...His princess Angie

Toia said...

Your willingness to share is far and beyond awesome. I love how you wrote about working on self and putting God first. After reading this post, so many women as well as young ladies will be inspired and get a revelation of how valuable they are to God. Thanks for sharing. Blessings to you always my sister. Toia

A Free Spirit Butterfly said...

Hi Angie,
I have to give credit to Him and Him alone. His choosing to love me first was a bit hard to imagine, let alone believe. But as I journey through the bible and surround myself with women of faith and likemindeness, I see that having accountability partners are a necessity. They lift me up in strength and prayer and not only that, keep me from making or even contemplating the choices that aren't beneficial to His will for me.

The flesh is weak, but having a solid sisterhood of fellowship and genuine love beats out the evil one any day!

Thank you sweet and wise friend of mine :-)

A Free Spirit Butterfly said...

Hello Toia and a heartfelt thanks for your comment. I must say that when I first received His gift of salvation, the old self still fell short, on many levels.

And then I went through the stage of regretting all my past sins and mistakes once I fully realized that He had seen everything I'd ever done. Being so consumed w/self, it never occurred to me that He was "watching."

Boy...once that feeling sunk in, I "tried" in overdrive to make up for my past. To earn His love. With His tender, loving kindness, He said the same thing to me that He said to the woman at the well. "Your sins are forgiven. Now go and sin no more."

That, sweet friend was something I etched into my heart and it the very reason that I have opened my life to Him and to the public. His love is real, passionate, forgiving and without conditions...all the things that my soul had been longing for.

I hope and pray that our young girls have at least one woman of wisdom in their life that can help/save or restore their virtue.

Sent w/love

WynnSong said...

To see how you have transformed from your cocoon into a beautiful butterfly and can share such a testimony, so inspiring and encouraging, gives us all hope and a deeper faith in God and his wonderful presence and purpose for our lives.....if we only let him.
Thank you for this beautiful testimony that stirred my heart and soul as well....

A Free Spirit Butterfly said...

Thank you Wynn, you said it so plainly...if we only let Him.

The desire to do what we want is our biggest obstacle.

I pray that all who struggle with surrendering and submitting would see that HE will greatly reward those who walk in His ways.
Wow! Just the thought that He's preparing someone special "just" for me...I could explode with excitement!

Thank you for your very kind words.

Love for a great day!

A Lady's Life said...

Butterfly - in marriage it is never 50 50 There is always an imbalance. Sometimes one needs more and the other less. It's like a support system.
Forever is what you marry for, if it is a soul mate you are looking for.It depends what you are looking for in marriage I guess.
For me, if I know I won't have an old man to share my memories with,
I wouldn't waste my time.
Women raise their own children by themselves and then they reap the rewards of family when the kids grow up. The one who loses out is the Dad, who is not connected.